LARSANITY!: Excuse Me?

Monday, June 29, 2009

Excuse Me?

I went online to renew all of our library books today. After I clicked the button to "Renew All", I saw the summary page and noticed this in the list:

Kaufman field guide to butt is renewed.

It was disturbing for a minute, until I remembered the butterfly book Emily had checked out a couple of weeks ago.

That's a relief.

3 comments:

Andrea said...: Actually, Kaufman has written a groundbreaking guide book on butts. :) You're funny.; June 30, 2009 at 3:27 PM
Gerb said...: I forgot to tell you that this post made me laugh the last time I read it. And I'll tell you that it made me laugh again today. I love butt humor.; July 6, 2009 at 8:58 PM
Laura Hyde said...: That is hilarious!; July 7, 2009 at 12:47 PM

Hilarious Hannah

4/2011

"Do you know what I think will be the hardest thing in my life?....Choosing my wedding dress. You'll have to come with me, and you'll sit there in the dressing room, and tell me how I look. And everyone will get to judge."

"Do they speak a different language in St. George? Because I don't want to learn any other language, I just like to speak Utah."

9/2010

Soccer Days make regular dinner time difficult to maintain. After Hannah's evening game, we had to pick up Katelyn from guitar lessons before we could finally think about dinner. In the car, Hannah was eating her game treat: a candy bar. Lauren was worried Hannah would spoil her dinner. She lectured, "Hannah, if you eat that, you aren't going to be hungry anymore." Hannah gave Lauren a look and replied, "That's exactly the point!"

9/2010

Hannah wakes up and slowly walks into the kitchen where breakfast is on the table. She sits by her plate and asks me if she can have a carrot with her waffle. Kind of an unusual breakfast request! I say, "Sure. Why?" and, rubbing her sleepy eyes, she answers, "Cuz I can't see that well."

5/2010

The little ones came with me on a lunch date with Emily last week. Hannah ordered hot chocolate with her sandwich. While she was waiting for it to cool, Emily tried a sip, and declared, "That's pretty good." Hannah squinted her eyes at Emily and came back with, "Actually, that's pretty MINE!"

4/2010

While in the check-out line at our local grocery store last week, Hannah tells me, "Mom, you should go to WalMart." When I ask her why, she recites, "Save money. Live Better."

Three words: Too much television!

10/28/09

I was talking about Katelyn being stubborn, and Hannah piped in, "I remember when we went to the temple and I got sunburn." Doug asked Hannah, "Are you saying stubborn, or sunburned?" She answered, "That's what Mom said: stunborn."

10/27/09

We had our first real snow storm of the season, and when I picked up Hannah from preschool, she said, "I am snow's biggest fan!"

9/22/09

After music class, Hannah and her classmates got the chance to pick a prize. Her teacher showed them all the choices up front (there was quite a variety), and then told them they would have 10 seconds each to pick a prize. After the count of 10, if they had not yet picked, they would have to go to the end of the line again. I scanned the cool pencils and pretty rings and necklaces, and I anticipated a difficult choice for Hannah. So as she waited for her turn to pick, I whispered to her, "Do you know what you want?" Immediately she answered, "Yep, I'm going to get a tattoo." What?! Where did my little princess go?! I hadn't even noticed the temporary tattoo stickers. I tried to encourage a different choice, but I was shocked when Hannah refused the girly stuff. "Mom, tattoos are cool." Sure enough, when her name was called to come pick a prize, Hannah went straight for the tattoo stickers. But, to my relief, she quickly changed her mind and was drawn to a roll of Smartees. I still can't believe she ignored the jewelry.

8/24/09

After a frustrating evening, Hannah heard Doug refer to the girls as "knuckleheads". She wasn't pleased. "Knuckleheads?! Dad, we're not knuckleheads!....We're idiots!"

(Maybe that's not funny to you, but it made everyone in this family laugh!)

*I have a very distinct memory of using the word "idiot" as a child, when I really didn't have a clue what it meant. Playing around, I said something to my brother like, "What do you think you are, an idiot?" and my mother did not laugh. In fact, her stern reaction burned that little insignificant episode into my memory for all these years!

Sometimes I think I have no business being a parent!

7/25/09

Walking home from church, Katelyn and Hannah and I were trying to share the sidewalk. At one point, Hannah complained, "Mom, you're making me walk on the grass, and that's their property!"

Yesterday Hannah was pretending to drive a boat. She asked me, "Mom, isn't there a real place called Mama Chicken?" I said no. She insisted, "What's that place that's called with a chicken?" Then it hit me, and I smiled: "Michigan?" "YES!" (Emily has been practicing her states and capitols this summer, so that's the only way I can figure Hannah's ever heard of Michigan.) [Since then, Hannah has talked about Delgado (Colorado?) and Cindy Anna (Indiana).]

7/09

Hannah's perspective on aging: She thinks Grandpa is going to die soon, "because his hair is so, so white." Good thing she doesn't get to see the gray that would be in my hair if I didn't color it!

6/21/09

"Mom, I can't find my toothbrush. It's not in the hair drawer, even, I looked there."

Well, where did it go?

"I don't know, maybe it disappeared. That happens, you know."

6/8/09

Dinnertime:

H: What kind of soup are you making, Mom?

Me: This is rice.

H: What else are you making after rice?

Me: Enchiladas. They're already in the oven.

H: Darnit, cause I didn't want to eat rice and 'chiladas, I just wanted dessert.

5/25/09

While cleaning out Hannah's closet today, I found a plastic container with two plastic fish in it, filled with water, sitting on a towel. I removed it to the bathroom and dumped the water out. When Hannah came into the bathroom and saw her fish bowl, she picked it up and sweetly said, "How are my fish doing?", then {GASP!} "You don't have any water!"

So now we have Hannah's pet plastic fish, in water, on the bathroom counter.

I think it's cute.

But not so cute was the other little critter Hannah discovered in her room tonight. She called me in there to show me something, and said, with a tissue in her hand, "Don't worry Mom, I'll take care of it." And she proceeded to catch and squish and then flush a centipede.

I'm so glad she's brave with bugs! Doug says it goes to show that Hannah is Lauren's sister. But I'm not sure even Lauren would have caught that thing so willingly.

5/11/09

Hannah has recently discovered a couple of "food allergies".

The other day, she told me, "You can eat salad, Mom, but I'm allergic to salad that has stuff in it." (She'll eat plain lettuce, but that's it.)

Today for dinner we had chicken and leftover sides. Hannah reported to me, "I tried some of that cold macaroni and cheese {it was actually macaroni salad}, but I'm allergic to that."

4/24/09

I had just showered and gotten ready for the day. I sat down, and Hannah came up behind me and gently played with my hair. I was loving it. And then she whispered in my ear, "Mom, you need to take another shower." When I asked her why, she said, "Because your hair smells like cotton balls."

4/09

Hannah's version of the Primary song goes like this:

"Saturday is a special day, It's the day we get rid of Sunday."

3/09

Hannah overheard someone talking about a hotel with a "kiddie pool", and she couldn't believe her ears. "A Kitty Pool?! That's crazy! Cats hate water!"

3/09

Hannah picks up some funny grown-up phrases, and it cracks me up. A couple of my recent favorites:

"Seriously, people!", and "Because I'm an expert."

3/09

Eating hamburgers for dinner one night, Hannah informed us, "Did you know you could triple-stack these?" Thank you, Wendy's.

3/14/09

Doug asked Hannah why she likes to watch the same episodes of "Backyardigans" over and over (on Tivo), and she said, "Because I have to. There aren't any other ones!" (ie. Duh, Daddy! If they would make more, I'd watch more!)

3/8/09

Lauren reported to Mom & Dad that Hannah thought the boys who were playing outside were "cute". Hannah's defense was, "I'm not in love with them, I just like what they're wearing!"

3/7/09

It has been a tearful day.

1. Hannah cried to me, "Mommy, I was dancing [to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, b.t.w.] and I slapped myself."

2. Coming in from the back yard, "Emily, Lauren, and Daddy are having fun without me!"

I can't wait to hear about today's next injustice...

3/09

Doug is in big trouble for starting this one. A couple of months ago, he playfully started calling the 2 little ones Hannah Roo (for Ruth) and Livie Sue (for Suzanne, and because it rhymes with Roo). I made it obvious that I do not care for that nickname he gave Olivia. Which only egged him on, to be more silly and more obnoxious about saying it. He thinks it's silly that I find the name so objectionable.

Hannah is playing along with Daddy now, too. Almost every morning, Hannah greets her baby sister with a sing-songy voice, saying "Livie Sue! Livie Sue!" and then, turning to me, she asks, "Are you ignoring that, Mom?"

3/3/09

I'm on the computer, typing.

From down the hall, I hear Hannah call me: "Mama, can you come here?"

"Yes." (finish typing my sentence...)

2.5 seconds later, from Hannah:

"I mean right now."

I wonder where she gets this stuff.

2/09 After a recent trip to Costco, Hannah was sitting in the cart while I loaded our purchases into the car. She stared back at the warehouse, and then asked me, "Why is there a 'T' in Costco?" I explained to her that it's really called CosTco, even though when we say it, it sounds more like Cosco. She's such a smarty pants. 2/2/09 Even though it's definitely winter, Hannah chose a shorts and t-shirt pajama set tonight. I told her, "These pajamas are for when it's hot outside." Hannah corrected me, "No, these are for when it's bedtime." 1/15/09 Hannah had lots of energy tonight! I was trying to get her attention, so I crouched down and looked her in the eye as I asked her to do something. "Do you understand?", I asked. Her reply: "I wish your mouth was on the other side of your head." 1/14/09 7:30 p.m., driving home, I'm so ready for bedtime! Hannah: Can we have a bath when we get home? (I'm thinking: she just had one this morning, and we washed her hair. If we have to do a bath now, she's going to get her hair wet, and I'll have to blow it dry, and it will double the time it takes to get them to bed, and I'm tired! Doug's out of town all week, and I'm losing my grip.) Me: (rolling eyes) Ok, but you can't get your hair wet tonight. H: Well, I might get it wet "on askident". Me: Well, you might not. (As in, read my lips, sister!) H: Yeah, but I think I might. She is so darn clever! Honestly, I think she could grow up to be the person who writes the small print, in order to free herself (or her product) of any liability for wrongdoing! 1/14/09 We had lunch with Great-Grandma James. After lunch, Hannah asked me, "Did that Grandma's Grandpa [meaning her husband] die?" I told her that he did. Then I showed her a picture to remind her of who he was. She gently placed the back of her hand to his picture, and said, "I want to feel him again." 1/1/09 Hannah takes after her Grandpa Davies in this way: She likes flavorful sandwiches. (Breakfast in Germany, anyone?) (Inside story, sorry.) When Doug asked what kind of sandwich she would like for lunch, giving her the choice between PB&J or Ham&Cheese, she replied, "I want all of my favorite things: Peanut butter and jelly with ham and cheese." And she gobbled it up. 12/08 "Did you know that Aloha is the Chinese way to say Hello in Spanish?" 11/17/08 After getting in trouble right before bedtime, Hannah's evening prayer included this: "Bless Mommy to not be mean to me anymore, because I'm just a sweet little child." 11/6/08 Lauren and Hannah were disagreeing about how many sides a triangle has. Using my thumbs and pointer fingers, I made some shapes and named them: triangle, rectangle, circle. Then Hannah goes, "Do a star, Mom!" Umm....right! Hannah had an afternoon nap today, which means she's having a hard time going to bed, even though it's getting late. So while I'm trying to enjoy some "down time" on the computer, she's pestering me. Once in while I stop ignoring her, and tell her to go to bed. She sarcastically replies, "Wow, Mom. You're nice." She's such a little Smart Alec! (wherever that term comes from...) 11/3/08 I pulled Olivia's hair into a little pigtail on top of her head. Hannah walked into the bathroom, looked at her baby sister, and laughed out loud. "Is that funny?" I asked. "Yes, Olivia's hair is so funny!" "But is it cute?" I asked. "Yes. Funny and cute...same thing." 10/31/08 Hannah likes to climb into Olivia's crib and play with her when she wakes up. Sometimes (like this morning) she may do that before Olivia actually wakes up. When I went looking for Hannah, I found her laying next to Olivia in the crib. I asked her, "Are you in trouble?" "No, Mom, she was awake! I just heard her crying and I came in here and she was just...lonely. Babies don't like to be lonely when they're just born. And Olivia is born, Mom." 10/21/08 Presentation is Important! Costco was sampling some delicious butternut squash ravioli with Pesto sauce. When I took a sample, Hannah looked at it and, with a bothered look on her face, asked, "What is that?!" I told her it was pasta. She said, "It looks like bird poo!" And then I couldn't stop laughing, and I couldn't take a bite, because guess what: She was right! It really did! 10/15/08 Driving home after picking up Hannah from her joy school, I always ask her what she did at school, and she always answers, "Nothing." So today I tried to put a new twist on the question. I asked, "What was the most fun thing you did at school today?" Still, she answered, "Nothing." Thinking I'm clever, I sarcastically replied, "Oh, well, I bet you probably don't want to go to school tomorrow then, if it's no fun." "Yes I do want to go to school." "Why?" I asked. Her answer: "Because school is so much fun." Again I asked, "So what was the most fun thing you did today?" You can guess what she said.... "Nothing." 10/9/08 After I painted Hannah's fingernails, and she put on a dress-up, and applied her own lipstick, she came to me and said, "You never knew I was more beautifuller than you." When I just stared at her (crooked lipstick) and smiled, she said, "Alright, alright, we're the same beautiful." 10/3/08 Hannah was entertaining Olivia while I got myself ready for the day. Out of the blue, she said to Olivia, "Get away from that mean old mama!" I exclaimed, "What?!" Hannah said, "Just kidding, Mama....You're not old." 10/2/08 Hannah was doing something mildly dangerous (can't remember what) and I quickly told her not to do that. She came back with, "You should say it nicely." We went back and forth for the next couple minutes, both feeling like we had important points to make: Me:"Hannah, when I ask you to do something, you need to do it." H: "We're supposed to say please, Mom." Me: "Yes, I know it's nice to say please, but sometimes I need to tell you something quickly, and you need to listen and obey." Finally, Hannah pouted and said under her breath, "You know, you need some sleep, Mom." 9/9/08 Beware the crocs! Hannah has a pair of purple crocs (shoes) that she has been wearing lately, but two days in a row, she has tripped and fell on concrete, wearing those shoes. The second time she fell, as I helped her up, I asked rhetorically, "Why do those shoes keep making you fall?" and through her tears she answered, "Because they're dangerous!" 9/9/08 Hannah asked me today why I never play. I told her I do play games, and play the piano. But she wanted to know why I never play "Littlest Pet Shop" and stuff like that. Point taken! 9/8/08 I wrap Hannah in a hooded towel after her bath, and she says, "Mama, I want you to hold me...like a little bundle of joy." 8/17/08 Hannah calls, "Mom, I need toilet paper!" I call back, "OK." Then she follows with, "Nevermind, I'll just use the towel." "NO! I'm Coming!!" I yell. On my way, I pass a box of kleenex, and grab it. Hannah sees it and says, "No, I don't want to use a tissue. I need toliet paper." Let me get this straight: hand towel, ok. kleenex, not?! 8/14/08 I was trying to find something for Hannah to wear today - not a simple task to find something she'll agree to wear! My favorite rejection was this: I offered her a dress (don't even bother offering pants to this kid!), and her answer was, "No, that will be too hard to take off." Not only is she picky about what she wears, but she changes her outfit several times a day! So she has to think ahead about her wardrobe changes! 8/10/08 Olivia was doing her best to endure the LONG drive home from Utah, but towards the end of the trip, she started to cry. Hannah (sitting next to her) said, "I know, Olivia, I know. You miss Grandma. I know!" 7/28/08 Busted! I found crumbs on the couch. I asked Hannah, "Did you eat on the couch?" She gives me a sly grin and says, "Maybe." I remind her that our rule is that food stays in the kitchen. She thinks for a minute, then asks me, "Does 'maybe' mean yes or no?" I replied, "In this case, it means yes." She disagreed. "I think this time it means no." 7/21/08 10:30 p.m. As I'm turning out all the lights and heading to bed, I hear, "Mom, I have no idea how to sleep." 7/20/08 Doug decided to practice his Sacrament Meeting talk on us as we were sitting at the table eating breakfast. As soon as he began a sentence with "Brothers and Sisters,..." Hannah interrupted him with, "We don't have any brothers here!" 7/2/08 While picking strawberries and licking the juice from her fingertips, Hannah tells me, "This is better than chocolate chips!" 6/26/08 To state the obvious: While admiring baby Olivia in her swing, Hannah realizes she needs to go to the bathroom. While taking care of business, Hannah informs me, "I smelled sweet, sweet baby. But now I smell pee, cuz I peed in the toilet." 6/19/08 I had cleared the table from breakfast and was working on the dishes. Hannah came into the kitchen and started digging in the freezer. Me: Hannah, what do you want? Hannah: I'm really hungry, I didn't get to finish my breakfast. Me: Oh, well here it is. Do you want some more eggs? Hannah: I want chocolate chips. Me: Nope. Hannah: Ok, I'm not really hungry. 6/18/08 In the middle of the night, when I was up feeding the baby, Hannah came shuffling into my room and said, "There's a huge spider in my room. It's on my bed." I followed her back to her room, turned on the light, and saw....nothing. She looked up at me with a sheepish grin, and said, "Silly me." She smiled, climbed into bed, and went back to sleep. (I'm kinda glad there was no huge spider!) 6/5/08 Hannah was sent upstairs for purposely making a mess with her hot chocolate. She thought I jumped the gun with that punishment. As she stomped up the stairs, she burst into tears and said, "I was going to be sorry!" 6/1/08 Today Hannah wondered what was wrong when I sat down after sharing my testimony in Sacrament Meeting and I was a little choked up. I told her that I was just thinking of a lot of things that make me happy, and that makes me cry sometimes. Hannah watched the next speaker, who was likewise emotional, and then she turned back to me and said, "She must be thinking about the same things as you." ***** After dinner, Hannah teased Lauren by spitting a mouthful of water at her. I gave Hannah a stern look and said, "That's not funny." Hannah laughed out loud. I looked even more cross and repeated myself. "Not funny." Hannah just smiled and said, "It was funny to me!" I'm not sure how to discipline this kid when she cracks me up like that! 5/28/08 Coming in from the backyard, Hannah says: "I was talking to a man [neighbor - we have low fences] and he said 'How old is your baby Olivia?' and I said 'She doesn't have a number.'" 5/25/08 Last night was the ward talent show, and Hannah wanted to participate. She told Doug that her talent was "hopping and gassing at the same time." Doug told her (jokingly) that he would love to see that! So she started hopping on one foot, and said, "See?... Except I didn't have gas." 5/21/08 So sweet! Today my RS presidency came by to visit. They asked Hannah, "What do you think of your new baby sister?", and Hannah replied, "She's perfect." 5/18/08 After eating breakfast, Hannah came upstairs saying to me, "Mom, Emily's not being nice to me." From downstairs, Emily says, "How am I not being nice to you?" Over her shoulder, Hannah answers, "I'm talking to Mom, Emily... You ruined my whole life!" April 2008 Little Miss Dress-Lover, who almost always refuses the option of wearing pants, was all out of clean skirts in her drawer. I kept trying to tell her to just wear pants, and she kept insisting that I find a skirt for her to wear. In her words, "Mom, we have a serious problem..." Hannah's version of the chorus to "Nephi's Courage": "I shall go, I shall do the things I should've did..."